Defoe's diary Sent to me by a West Ham fan....... As you boys are probably aware of what a little cunt Jermain is, I thought this will make you laugh. I don't know who wrote it by the way. "A day in the life of Jermain Defoe" 9.00am wake up and have breakfast with mummy, rice krispies ? sh*t cerial for sh*t players mum says the fortified vitamins and iron will make me grow but how many times doe she need telling i dont like iron ? It's golden graham for my golden talent how many times does she need telling ? Mum asks me to pass the milk, whats she going on about now ? I drink some then throw the rest on the floor 9.30am Have a shower and brush my teeth, i look good, off to training soon to teach some people some skills find my sisters asthma pump, i love that whooshing sound it makes, i play with it for a while to cheer myself up after the rice krispie stuff, then the litle bitch starts banging on the door making stupid noises, she needs to learn some respect i cant even enjoy myself without people hassling me, does she know who i am ? play with the pump some more, *whoosh* haha *whoosh* haha then it stops, must be broke or something. Then i'm trying to leave the bathroom and she's laying outside on the floor like a vagrant i had to alter my stride to get passed her, she needs to liven up or she's living in the f*cking shed 10.00 am Jump in the beamer and go to chadwell heath, i have to park the car myself, i'm not impressed, this guy who's been hanging around lately called Darren or Dean or something says hello, i give him my autograph and walk off quick before he starts going on about some club called PVC that he played for, he smells funny. Some joker hangs my training kit all the way up on this peg where i cant get to it, again. I aint asking that Darren to get it for me this time, last time i mentioned the peg trick they keep pulling on me he started asking if i needed to buy some 10.30 Have a quick warm up and then that bloke off match of the day says we're going to play some one touch 5-a-sides, i swear this hansen bloke dont know anything, i mean sometimes you need a touch to control the ball before having a shot, how can you limit Jermain Defoe to one touch ? Doesnt he realise the others are here to learn ? Roll on January. 13.00 Glad that's finished, i bet it's not like that at carrington, phone my advisors and tell them how i've been treated, they're as disgusted as me, atleast someone knows the score, switch the radio on and their playing 'out of reach' by Gabrielle, these people want to stop with the midget jokes i've got a short fuse you know. Got to do some appearance at a hospital for some sick kids, hope i don't catch anything 15.00 Hook up with my advisor and go to the hospital, we visit a kid in a coma, i'm his favourite player of course, he's lying there in his West Ham shirt, well last seasons one the tramp, i couldn't wait to get out of that shirt, this kid must really be sick. All this beep, beep, beep is getting jarring me, how am i supposed to be all kind and stuff with that machine beeping away, wheres the plug ? Ahh got ya, thats better. I wished the kid well but he seems to take a turn for the worse, ah well atleast i tried. We were meant to go to the burns unit next but them kids were just too ugly, they offended my eyes, i kicked a ball in to the room but realised i had forgot to sign it but luckily it rebounded off some kids head and come back to me, damn i'm good, i was just about to sign it when i noticed it had some flaky bit of skin of it, i f*cked off sharpish. !8.00 Home in time for dinner, managed to eat it in time for hollyoaks, gotta work out which of them i'll rinse first when i go up north or shall i do the fit one from brookside ? I'll call my advisors they'll no what to do, all this thinking for myself is a pain and most people think being the most gifted footballer in the world is easy. 21.00 Almost time for bed, been a hard day watched skysports news for an hour and i wasnt on once, they even had stuff about rugby and golf, these people dont know what the public want, must speak to my advisors about a digital Defoe channel for the football purists, tenner a month subscription sounds fair to me. That's sure to get me in the England team ahead of the downs scouscer 22.30 Well folks that was a day in the life of your hero, i hope you enjoyed spending some time with me and you'd better be f*cking grateful, it's not everyday you get to follow a legend, it's been a privilage, i'm sure this will go down as the best of your life.
