some jokes from Tim Vine... Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. --------------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." --------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."Is it common? "It's not unusual." -------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." --------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy" --------------------------------------------------------- Guy goes into the doctor's."Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. "How's that?" "Don't you start" --------------------------------------------------------- "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" --------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" -------------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" --------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' -------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road. --------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!" --------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" --------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. --------------------------------------------------------- A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?', he asks. 'Fascinating American Indians have the widest pr*cks, and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.'Hi,' he says. 'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.' --------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill" --------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------- I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off. ----------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. -------------------------------------------------------- (& 4 the scientifically minded) A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." -------------------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... ' --------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.' --------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' --------------------------------------------------------- Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the t*ts!" --------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." --------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. -------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' -------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. --------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
i got them on email but i've been told that they're by a guy called tim vine... i think he tours the country doing clubs... not too sure tho...
some more here... think some are duplicates tho... "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books." "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'" "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.' So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'" "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin." "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
