Top Tips How Not To Lose Your Phone... - Don't wear a watch (by checking your phone regularly for the time you will know where it is) - Always have you ring tone on maximum output (if you lose it you will relocate it easily) - Try not to take it out when you go out (suspecting the majority of phone losses happens this way) - Try and keep it in a pocket with a zip on (not in your bag as this can alos be lost) - A bright coloured phone will be easily found - Never leave it lying around (especially with people you have just met) Try not to let these worries have a negative effect on your overall use of the phone, as it is an enjoyable experience, but will pay back dividends if approached correctly. Top Tips will be back with more Top Tips
its like the travel guidence you get on daft package holidays "please keep your bag with you at all times" ffs is this nations people that fucking stupid!
The Viz top tips are proper comedy genius... SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty fag at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window. Aston Martini, London OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war. Sarah Cocks PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful. Nikko MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone. C. Tarquin MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe. Sam McCrohan, Guildford RYANAIR passengers. These days they let ALL passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands. Darren Singleton CONTESTANTS on Wife Swap. Try not to be so surprised at how different the other family is. That is, and always has been, the format of the show DAILY Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles. Tommy Dungmonger CITY Link Couriers. When delivering parcels to an address your are unfamiliar with, why not check on your GPS system. This will save you the hassle of telling your boss you tried to deliver it but there was nobody in. It would also save the poor sod who had waited in all day from taking another day off work. Justin Credible STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past. S. Doo BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs. T Rumpole, Bailey BBC sport newsreaders. Save time by not reporting on the progress of Andy Murray in tennis tournaments. I have yet to meet any member of the public who likes the miserable sod.
TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience. The Viz :worship:
QUEENS. If a large jewel falls out of one's sceptre, it can easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating. HM Queen Elizabeth II, Windsor
OFFICE WORKERS. Piss off your I.T. guy today by calling him and getting him to come and fix your "broken" computer only for him to discover that it is in fact switched off.
I feel your pain brother! Made that same mistake, think it was Fructus. Bit like poppers tho, cos did find myself using it again
Haha! I love watching middle age women (dont we all) when the printer packs in! Lets open and close draws, pull this down, open that.. whys it still not working?
